The half of SXAH SZAH’s interview that dealt with streaming and the industry produced the quotable lines. The other half produced the person.

Across thirteen questions, the artist was asked about the room she grew up working in, the mirror she has credited with teaching her to love herself, the solitude her work keeps returning to, and the dream she had before she had any concept of what she was asking for. She answered all of them. She has not, on the record, answered most of them before.

The Mirror Told Her the Truth Because Nobody Else Would

The mirror recurs constantly in her material. Asked what the first true thing it told her was, she reframed the question as one about honesty rather than appearance:

“The mirror was the only thing truly seeing me, no friends or family members could tell me the truth about how i look. The mirror teach me two things it never lie to me, and i showed me my weakness and also showed me who i truly wanted to become”

两件事同时出现——弱点和抱负——在同一面镜子里。这既不是虚荣，也不是自我批评。更像是一场审计。她的叙述中，身边的人并非在隐忍残忍，而是缺乏准确性，而她更需要后者。

The Bedroom, and the Decision Made In It

Her manifesto has long referred to a bedroom that never changed for years. Asked what staying the same taught her that changing would not have, she described it as the site of a binary choice:

“the bedroom is the only place i had to pick a decision to become someone or become no one. But the saddest part is if i did become someone thr external would be the same. So the question is why not changing why not just try rather than rotting on a bed”

埋在这段话中间的观察才是有趣的。她承认，成为某个人并不会改变房间——外部无论如何都保持不变。这消除了常见的动机。成功不会出现并重新装饰她的生活。

她仍然选择尝试，并用最直白的词汇框定另一种选择：rotting on a bed（在床上腐烂）。这种推理并非出于向往，而是对另一选项的拒绝。

“Solitude Have Saved Me From Being No One”

Asked whether solitude was something she chose or something she simply got good at, she rejected both readings and made a larger claim:

“I think solitude has been the reason of my existence without it How would i be able to even know me, and bring myself into the world and having an identity i could have say that solitude have saved me from being no one”

在她的框架里，孤独不是工作代价，也不是被忽视的症状，而是拥有身份的前提。这与她一贯在视觉作品中呈现走廊和空房间的方式相吻合——把它们视作空间，而非缺失。

这也呼应了采访中更难的回答之一。被问及谁与她的生活毫无关联时，她说：

“I don’t think I’ve been loved deeply but i supposed I’m being taken care of because the road and decision i took over my life didn’t really fail me but shape me. Mostly the people that dont like me or else dont know i exist are way gone. There’s no distractions in my life i am my own opponent”

“I am my own opponent.” 这句话更像是清晰的陈述，而非抱怨，也解释了她作品中为何没有提到任何敌人。没有她要击败的对手，那些看不见她的人并不是在对抗她，而是已经离开。

The Anger Went Into the Work

One question asked where the anger went, given that she never turned it into rebellion. Her answer was short and unromantic:

“The anger has become the thing that start my reason to become who I am instead of using that energy for none constructive stuff i used it for constructive stuff instead”

愤怒被转化，而非释放。值得注意的是，这在艺术家自述动机的案例中相当罕见——更常见的版本是把愤怒戏剧化并保留供采访使用。她把愤怒投入创作，未再回流。

同样的自律体现在她谈论完成音乐时：

“Every song that i have released has need to be listen carefully with my own ears. it seems my songs has and had a lot of meaning not just in the lyrics but the tones and chords of those songs. I feel people really do miss out on many things. I could just lost my heart, but worse my sense of humanity among bystanders.”

一首歌只有在她亲自聆听并评判后才算完成，而不是在演出或被接受时。

The Dream, and the One Person She Wants to Notice

Two answers sit underneath everything else. Asked what she can still remember of the dream she had before ego existed, she said:

“My dream was wealth, a type of wealth i never even know, a type of wealth even before i had any idea of it. Not just wealth but to live a good life. a life without regrets but wealth is part of it from what i remember”

一种她当时并未概念化的“财富”——也就是说，并非金钱。她自己补充的实质是：a life without regrets（无悔的人生）。

And asked who she wants to be proud of her, and whether she has told them:

“No i never did, told anybody if there’s only one person that i want to be proud of me , it is the very same thing that created me”

她从未告诉过他们。现在，她在采访中说出了这件事，本身就是一种答案。

Earlier in the same session she had been asked what a character deserves that a person does not get, and her reply reads differently once you have seen the one above:

“Character seems or i guess wanna be recognized by the very same thing that shape them. Character are already immortal they’re not just ideas but they’re something worth to be acknowledged”

她在描述一个角色对其创造者的主张。鉴于她整个公开项目本身就是一种被看见的诉求，这并不是一个旁路，而是以第三人称陈述的、针对创造她的那个人的要求。

她没有回答的内容

她的作品一直以一个问题收尾——我的梦想是什么？——而这个问题仍停留在她离开的地方。她提供了她还能记得的关于它的叙述。她并未声称已经找回它，也没有给出结论。

访谈仍在进行中。还有一个问题尚未得到她的回答。

本系列第二篇，摘自 SIIIOCULI 对 SXAH SZAH 的扩展访谈。引用内容完全保持原样，未对她的措辞进行校正。